Why So Glum

When things are going good, one’s supposed to feel pretty good. Right? Well, if that’s the case, then there’s something wrong with me.

Greatest Phone Ever

 My Samsung Galaxy S3 works wonderfully. The big Zero Lemon battery I bought for it lasts all day, even when I’m watching movies and playing music. I take it off the charger in the morning, use the hell out of it all day, and end with at least 45% power remaining. Using an app I downloaded, I can also use my new phone as a 4G hotspot for free. What does that mean? Well, as I write this post, I’m at the shipping depot. I no longer have to wait to use the Wifi at the bank job to write a post. My MDX is working wonderfully, as one would expect after spending $3200 on repairs. I now fill up on gas every 11 days, which is sweet. My sleeping patterns are getting better, as I slept for about 8 hours last night (1am-6am, then 6:30am-10am). The properties are doing relatively well. But, for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been feeling a weight on me. It took me a while to realize just what it was, but I figured it out: depression. It took me a while to realize it because I haven’t fallen into depression in a long time. In fact, I think the last time I had depression was sometime in June of last year.

Depression. One massive pain in the butt. I’ve had it… I think ever since I was 9 or 10. Everything can be going right and I would be completely miserable, focusing on every negative thing I can think of. I would lie around for hours, days, or even a couple of weeks. I've had it at least twice every year, but never for this long. For example, I’ll take something like Kylie Ray not paying rent on time and turn it into an omen of failure in my real estate business. A car parked in two spaces at the bank job’s parking garage meant I was completely worthless. A guy giving me attitude at the shipping depot meant I should quit. It was getting harder and harder to get out of bed for work, to the point where I wanted to take days off to lay in bed. On Thursday I tried (with Nino) to list all the good things I have to be proud of, but it meant nothing. This entire time I've had to battle with depression, and it finally passed last night. I’ll put a list of the things I watched and listened to this week that helped me break out of the depression for future reference:

Movies: The Visitor, Hard Candy

Music and Video: Classical music station, Mark Crozer and the Rels “Broken Down in Love”, Miles Davis’ “So What” and “Bitches Brew”, Guns N Roses Use Your Illusions I (entire album), Scarface’s The Diary (entire album), Feist's "Let it Die" (entire album), Notorious BIG “Juicy”, old Howard Stern shows and interviews, Animaniac shorts “Chicken Boo” and “Good Idea Bad Idea”, Pinky and the Brain, Def Poetry Jam videos  

PS Vita: Didn't really help. It only made me forget my mental state. Once the game was over, I was back to misery.

I should note that it was around the time I listened to "Juicy" last night that I really felt 100% better. But it shouldn’t have to be like this. I don’t want to rely on outside sources to get me out of depression. When I was younger I’d be able to ride the depression out until it passed. I would simply lie around and wait. I’ve… I gotta find a natural way to break out of depression when it hits-- no more movies and videos and music. I’ve always been against pills and medication, but I’m especially against relying on outside sources to solve issues of reality like depression. I’ve gotta be stronger than that. I used to be, and I’m gonna have to be again. Life isn’t taking a break and there’ll be a lot on my plate (work-wise) for the foreseeable future. I’ve got no room for depression now.