Hide Your Black

As I was trying to rent out the upstairs unit of property Alpha, I noticed a trend that I have to watch out for in the future. A person, usually a white (or white sounding) person, would make an appointment to see the apartment. When we’d meet in person, I find out one of two things: 1) that the apartment is really for some low-income mongoloid they represent or 2) that they will be bringing their ghetto boyfriend or girlfriend with them. I call this trend “Hide Your Black”.

Firstly, I have to make a quick point. If you can’t be either racist or prejudice, then don’t bother being a landlord. Now, by racist I don’t mean that you hate a certain group of people or wish them ill. This would be the pre-1970s definition. That would break the rule of not making personal decisions in business. By racist, I mean that you can look at someone and make judgments based on their race’s stereotypes that will factor into your decision-making. This would be society’s current definition of racism. Prejudging, relating to demographics, is one of the biggest factors to buying, selling, and renting out real estate. A more appropriate and definitive term would be “Hide Your Lower Class Citizen That Can Be Of Any Race”, but “Hide Your Black” is shorter and sounds funnier.

This woman named Margaret made an appointment to look at the place. She sounded great on the phone, but never mentioned she was working for the Housing Authority on behalf of someone. When Margaret came in, she looked great and my hopes were up. Then came her black (she was actually Hispanic), Monga, and I was shocked. Monga was dressed in ratty clothes and I could tell that she has had or is currently doing crystal meth. Maggie kept trying to distract me from Monga by asking me engaging personal questions while Monga stayed quiet. As Margaret starting checking the faucets and the plumbing I thought to myself, “Why is she checking the water for a woman that clearly has no use for it?” I played nice and waiting until they left before I went to the bathroom and washed my hands.

Another young woman, Terry, sounded great on the phone. She had a good job and seemed bright enough, and her boyfriend had a regular part-time job as a pizza delivery boy. She came alone and when I saw the name of her boyfriend on the application, I knew he was black. So I waited a day before I called her references. Her mom gave a great reference for Terry, but when I brought up her boyfriend the mother let out a very slight sigh and said, “Yeah, he’s nice. I mean, he tries his best.” I called Terry and left a message, letting her know that she qualifies for the apartment, but I would need to do a quick phone interview with her boyfriend. She called me back and said his phone was broken and that she would try to get a hold of him. Really? Phone is broken. How the fuck are you a pizza delivery guy and your phone is broken with no way of contacting someone?? I knew she was hiding her black and decided not to give them the apartment. If I would have been able to talk to him and he said the right things, I probably would have given them the apartment instead of Nicky.

When I first came to Smalltown, I had an idea in my head of moving in only black tenants. My thoughts were that, if a black tenant has a black landlord, they will take care of the place better and want to help me out while I help them. Three evictions later, I realized my mistake. To be fair, “Hide Your Black” is based more on class than on race. If a black man has a great job but his white girlfriend is a crackhead, they’re not getting the apartment. Laurie, the worst tenant I’ve ever had, was white. So it’s not really about race, and all factors must be taken into account when making a decision. But if you believe that all peoples are equal and everyone should be given a chance as I did when I first came here, there’s a job for you… it’s called charity, not business.