Subconscious Decision: Roger Dodger Gets a Girl

Okay, third post of the day and probably the last one. It feels good getting all these thoughts out of my head. This post will most likely be extremely long and, if it’s gonna be long, one can easily guess the subject matter: women.

Ever since the end of summer, I’ve been fighting my subconscious. You know how your subconscious hints that you have to do something, even though you see no reason for it? Yeah, well mine doesn’t hint—it yells. For some reason, I've had the urge to get a girlfriend. Not a fuck buddy, but a girlfriend. I have no idea why, and my reasons for not wanting one are very simple. For one, I don’t like relationships. I’ve never felt the need for a relationship. And finally, a relationship goes against my variable elimination philosophy that I pride myself on. I mean, what can produce more variables than a woman?! I’d been going back and forth with this argument in my head for months until, finally, I gave in. I got tired of the constant argument in my head and saw it was too strong a feeling to fight. I decided a couple weeks ago that I was gonna get a girlfriend.

Nino and I decided to have a contest to see who can get the most visitors on a dating site without initiating the first contact. Obviously it had to be a dating site since I have no time to find anyone with two full-time jobs. We chose OK Cupid. At the time, he had ended his relationship with the girl I had found for him almost 7 months ago. I created my profile Friday, and listed my address as NYC. I did this because I knew I wouldn’t meet anyone I would take seriously as a girlfriend in Smalltown. The most successful woman I dated here was Colleen, a girl who worked at two Subway restaurants and ran marijuana from Canada to Smalltown. I respected her creativity and ambition, but she hung out with high school kids (who were also her clients). If  it wasn’t for that, we probably would've had a longer relationship than 47 days. Anyway, from Friday to Sunday night I had just as many visitors as Nino, who had his profile online a few days longer than I. More importantly, I got a few messages. The first message I received was on Sunday, at 8:48pm, and it was the only one that mattered.

This is La Femme Nikita Simone, a 30 year old former model who works for a gym conglomerate as Executive Assistant to the CEO. I have no idea what that means either, but it sounded important. She also used to work on the business side for well known magazines, a television network, and a major record label. Nikita lives in an affluent county in NYC and all her family members are entrepreneurs, with her father being heavily into real estate. Sexy. Smart. Business savvy. Well-off financially. She fit what I was looking for perfectly, so I responded to her message. By Monday night, she had deleted her OK Cupid account and was completely into me. It caught me off guard for her to be into me so quickly, but I played it well. I mean, she was talking to me as if I’d been with her for months, with the pet names and the whole nine. One would think that my ego would get a boost from this, but it's the same feeling as when I was driving that 2013 Acura RDX. The vehicle, like Nikita, is a means to an end. Since she lives and works in the city, I'm going down to NYC on Monday after work. I’ll get there by 8pm, stay there with Nikita for a few hours, and then hop on the bus back to Smalltown in time for my 6:30am shift at the bank job the next morning. What a hassle! And for what?!

I racked my brain out for months. What is my subconscious thinking? Maybe I need to get the bad taste of my last relationship with Marla out of my mouth. Every time I see her I remember hating the fact that she's the last relationship I've had. Maybe there's a part of me that wants to fail by making things more difficult for myself?  I can't use the "I'm horny" explanation, even though it's that time of year. The winter is usually the season when I really wanna have sex. It probably has to do with the contrast of seeing women in all their tight revealing outfits in the summer, and then bundle up and covered in the winter. But this explanation is invalid because, if it was a sexual thing, I would want a fuck-buddy, not a girlfriend. So what is up with this?

I think I have the best hypothesis for why my subconscious is forcing my hand in this situation. Women are… there was a movie quote that went, “A woman is the closest thing to a god that man will ever know.” I think that's fairly true. They’re the gateway to human life on Earth. They have their own language called “whatthefuck”. They are the most powerful force on this planet because they have the desire of the most destructive force on the planet: men. When they’re little, men want to protect little girls (except for guys like Rory of course). Straight men want to be with women and gay men want to be them. If it wasn’t for their lack of unity and their inability to use their powers for much more than the acquisition of money from men, they’d be running this place by now. I bring this diatribe up because it has to do with my hypothesis. I believe the purpose of this whole girlfriend thing is to provide extra motivation for 2014. I have a lot on my plate for next year, and maybe there’s a part of me that knows my ambition alone will not be enough to complete these goals. How many times have I seen men do amazing things all because they have a woman motivating them? An extra good workout? Building a business? Getting that higher degree? Buying that extra expensive gift? Starting World War I? How many men would scorch the Earth for their women? It's my best guess but, like I said, this is just a hypothesis. I truly have no idea.   

I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I’m entering a situation where I’m no longer in full control. I don’t see the purpose of this or how it can help me in relation to my business goals. In fact, this will actually hurt my goals because of the money I will spend going back and forth to NYC. I could go on and on about why I shouldn’t do it but it wouldn’t matter. I’ve made the decision to trust that my subconscious is doing this for a good reason. I can only hope that the part of me I don’t control knows what it’s getting me into. I don't expect this whole experiment to last past the winter, so I hope I can figure this puzzle out quickly and get on with my life. Until then, I'll be thoughtful, considerate, loving, and whatever need be to make this relationship feel as genuine as possible. And I’m approaching this new personal journey of discovery with extreme caution, as I don’t want to end up in a situation I can’t get out of. Ugh! Whatever I gain from this had better be worth the added stress I’m about to endure…