Hello Neighbor

You know, one of the things that suck about real estate is the lack of control over a property’s neighborhood. When someone sells their home, the incoming buyer can turn out to be a bum that can bring property value down and change the dynamics of the entire area.

My next door neighbors, Lenny and Tina, sold their single family home in April. They’re a middle aged couple that owned the place since 1994, but wanted to move out of the “city” area and live out in the country. When I first came to Smalltown, they were the people that I talked to the most who wasn't Sha. My first date with Marla was in their beat up pick-up truck because my car was in the shop. We’d go and get pizza with wings and eat at their place from time to time. In fact, the only reason why I would have wanted them to move was because of their annoying black lab, Jack. Their daughter held a party one night and I guess some black kids roughed him up because he barked at only black people ever since, and I was no exception. Regardless, I really liked them and did NOT want them to move.

When they sold their house, I asked Tina to describe who they sold the house to. She said it was another middle aged couple. The wife is a longtime employee of the supermarket that Lenny works at, but the husband is unemployed and collects disability. The second she said “disability”, I cringed. What’s worse is that they didn’t actually buy the house just yet. They made a deal with the bank that holds the mortgage, stating that the new couple have a fixed time to come up with financing to buy the place. Until then, they are just tenants that pay a good portion of the mortgage, but also take on the responsibilities of paying the taxes, water bills, and the other expenses that any owner of a property has to pay. It works out great for Lenny and Tina because it gets them out of paying for a house they don’t want to live in, so they didn’t really care about who they sold to. As long as the buyers paid, Lenny and Tina were fine.

Since then, the neighborhood has taken a small dive in quality. My new neighbors are not bad people, but they’re… well… bums. They don’t do anything but invite people from the rough areas over and get drunk on their porch and backyard. They would be the non-racist version of the term “porch monkeys”, because they hang out on the porch and monkey around all day. They’ve been trying to communicate with me but I’ve refused to acknowledge their existence, even after they mowed my front lawn a couple of times and try to smile at me when I look in their direction. I simply don’t see what good having a relationship with them can do for me. I simply want them to stay away from me, don’t bother my tenants, and keep the music down (or at the very least, keep the music confined to their own house). This has probably been made easier thanks to an incident that happened yesterday.

I got a call from Handyman Stan, who was working on getting the upstairs unit ready for Belle and Sebastian. He said there were two Smalltown detectives that were looking for me and wanted to speak to me. When the detective got on the phone, he asked me if I knew where a guy I used to rent to lives. I told them no and that was that. But the people next door saw the detectives and thought that I was like a criminal or something. So I came home from work and one of them called out to me in a noticeably nervous voice, saying “excuse me sir?” I turned to him without saying anything and he said that two detectives were looking for me. I said “thanks” and walked away. My hope is the fact that I always wear a hoodie, never smile, always walk around with my trusty Iraqi Freedom knife, and now have detectives “looking for me” will be enough for them to steer clear of me and act right.

I don’t blame Lenny and Tina for selling to these idiots. They were midway into a 30 year mortgage for a property they no longer wanted in a city that they couldn’t wait to leave. So I’ll just have to hope that the new neighbors can default on their payments or something and leave the neighborhood. Until then I’ll be keeping a close eye on them, especially when it comes to property Alpha’s security and the quality of life for its tenants.