Homo Gotta Go

Wow. I guess as a landlord I’m gonna be experiencing some crazy stuff, and one of the Homos of property Chi just gave me some crazy stuff. This is what I get for keeping “filler tenants” in an apartment for too long.

I just checked the mail for rent at the post office. The Homos envelope, instead of rent, had a letter stating that he (Andy the Homo) is not paying rent until the roach problem is fixed. The problem was that I’ve had the professional treatment ready to use, but Andy changed his number so I couldn’t set up an appointment and I didn’t have time to stop by his place and let him know. I work two full time jobs, man! But I understood. The form letter was done in a professional way and I was okay with that. If he DID leave a message on my phone like he said (I honestly don’t know if he did), then I would take full responsibility for it. My plan was to go over to the property and explain the situation, make amends, and then treat the apartment. Problem solved right? Well, after reading the letter I was about to throw away the envelope until I noticed something else inside. What was it?

Dead roaches. This bitch sends me two dead roaches in the mail. What kind of nut job does that? I’ve said from the beginning that there was always something wrong with Andy but I figured it had to do with being a homo or some issue with his boyfriend, so I left it alone. But this??!! If you send ANYTHING THAT IS DEAD to ANYONE, it means you’re kinda fucked up. That’s like crazy-ex-girlfriend/boyfriend-burn-an-effigy-on-their-lawn-while-playing-the-violin-while-the-sun-is-out level of crazy. I told Sha about it, and (after we laughed and cracked some tasteful gay jokes about the situation) he said that he’s seen that type of tenant before and it’s best to get his ass out ASAP. And that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t need a psycho in my life because I’m already one.

So here’s the plan: I’m gonna send the Pest Control guys to treat the apartment next week. He comes in and treats it and I pay the bill. I make sure to get the treatment that pays for follow-up visits. Andy pays the rent for September. As soon I get September’s rent I serve him with a 30-day notice, giving him until the end of October to find a place and get out. Afterwards I send a 2nd notice, explaining that if he is still living in the apartment through October 1st, he is responsible for October’s rent as well. If he pays October's rent and moves out, I’ll give him his security deposit MINUS the cost for the Pest Control. I can legally do that because the Africans downstairs don’t have a problem with roaches, only him. And since the apartment never had roaches before, deductive reasoning suggests that he’s a dirty fucker and it’s his fault! I'll get the pest control guy to vouch for that in writing. Anyway, once he's gone I'll move in the Africans’ sister that has been waiting to move in there since forever, and her security deposit and November’s rent has me at a profit! Either way, I get an all-African property Chi with responsible tenants that take care of the place and cause no trouble. I’ll take that any day.

Now if he chooses not to pay October’s rent, I’ll evict him and move the Africans’ sister into the apartment in the middle of October, taking a small loss. Either way, I get Andy’s crazy ass out of my life and just before the winter starts. Plus I get free follow-up visits from the Pest Control people all paid for by Andy's security deposit. Sweet! You know, I moved the Homos in based not on Andy, but on his boyfriend… the one that was getting his MBA and worked at a local bank making $40,000 a year. I really liked that guy. But I think he left Andy or something, so now I’m dealing with Andy without someone to curb his craziness? No thank you! Send me dead roaches? I send you a notice to get your nasty ass out.