All-Natural Roger Dodger

You know, I’m no health nut. The term itself is kinda annoying, because it implies that people who care about what they put in their bodies are nuts. So let me say that I’m not a fanatic. But I like to eat good foods and, after that Big Mac binge where I consumed 23,232 calories (with over half of those calories being pure fat) in under two weeks, I knew I needed to change the way I eat for a while. Enter Sha.

Sha called me up and asked if I wanted to do a diet with him. He got inspired when he saw some guy on TV who spent 60 days using his juicer to make fruit and vegetable beverages and ended up losing a hundred and something pounds with almost no exercise. Sha wanted to do it after he got a juicer, and I agreed to participate. Now, because I didn’t have a juicer, I decided to buy a bunch of “no sugar added” beverages as well as some diet drinks. I’d compliment that with cashew nuts and fruits. We started last week Monday and, after two days, I gave up. It wasn’t that I was so tempted by unhealthy foods or anything. I quit the diet because it wasn’t working for me. Sha was getting all his nutrients from fruits with a juicer, while I had to rely on no sugar added grape juices and apple juices. It just wasn’t working. So I decided to make a change. Instead of a fruit and veggie beverage, I simply bought fruit. That’s it.

Pineapple, apples, oranges, watermelon, roasted cashew nuts, mangos, papayas, and carrots. It was… it was just incredible. I was actually enjoying eating actual fruit, and I didn’t have to read a fucking package to see what the “ingredients” were. Pineapples ingredients? PINEAPPLES. Carrots ingredients? CARROTS. How easy is that? For the liquid part of my diet, I simply drank water. There it was… an all-natural diet with no bags to read. By Sunday night, my body was feeling great. The main thing was that I didn’t miss that “heavy” feeling that I’d get after eating meat (steak and chicken). I like the lighter yet satisfied feeling I get now, so I’m gonna be stocking up on fruits for a while.

You know, this whole fruit thing really opened my eyes to something. People really are assholes. I went to the supermarket and all the packaged fruits like raisins and cranberries all had added sugar. Why do naturally sweet fruits need more sugar? Why are companies so willing to kill me with their bullshit? I even read that daily supplements like multivitamins can sometimes offer no benefits, and can hurt rather than help my body. Why put myself through the headache? I can’t count how many times some jerk would suggest a pill, and their response to my refusal was “It’s not medicine… it’s a supplement!” Well fuck medicines, fuck supplements and fuck you. I want my natural fruits and vegetables, and I want my water. Past civilizations seemed to have done just fine and lived much longer without man-made pills and supplements, so I think I'll be fine with what grows from the ground.

Apple slices and Mandarin orange slices with raisins

Papaya, Cantaloupe, Grapes and my favorite Pineapple

My new diet (until I get bored of it) will be to eat the most fruit and vegetables in the morning. I haven’t incorporated bananas into the mix, so I’ll buy those today along with the rest of them. I keep everything in my car because it’s about as cold as a refrigerator anyway. So my breakfast will be bananas, nuts, and other veggies with high protein. For lunch, there’s a place across the street from the bank job where I can get a sliced apple and an assortment of fruits in two cups for $1.92. The rest of the day is spent snacking on whatever fruits are available. I'll organize everything better as time goes on to get the most out of my new diet. This diet really makes anything man-made, whether it’s supplements or foods, look like shit when it comes to healthy eating. I’m sure I’ll have days when I’ll want something store-made (Subway’s Flatizzas are my current favorite), but having this new diet makes it so much easier to eat something “bad” only once in a while. I wonder how long I can keep this up.

P.S.: There’s a side effect to my new fruit diet that I honestly didn’t anticipate. I woke up Saturday morning with a ridiculous amount of energy, and all I wanted to do was have sex. And I mean, a real vicious kind of s… hmm. Here’s a better description of that energy. Back in college I had a fuck buddy named Latoya. We would have sex in between classes or just before I went to work. One afternoon we had some great animal-type sex in her car. When we were done and completely exhausted, she laid on top of me, looked at me and said, “We were like recovering rapists or something.” We made jokes about that term for weeks after, but that’s exactly how I felt last Saturday morning. I felt like having Recovering Rapist Sex. If it’s the natural foods that’s making me feel this way, then I truly CANNOT WAIT for retirement.