You know, with the next post hopefully being my last, I’ve been reading my blog a lot more lately. Because I write with the utmost honesty, it sometimes allows me to get an idea of how I sound or how I’m perceived. This is pretty important, as controlling how I come off can be a difference between gaining favor or not… especially when it comes to doing business. What I discovered, both through this blog and my recent issues, is that I’m… I’m a kid.
I’ll be the first to agree that, ever since 2009, I’ve become a much better businessman. My properties are more or less stable, and my system for property management is growing in efficiency and reliability. But as a person, and as far as dealing with personal issues, I’m still as clueless as I was in 2009. Everything is white or black. It’s with me or against me. It’s a very child-like way to live in a world of gray and I was kinda hoping, as I learn to better myself in my real estate ventures, that some of the learned business knowledge would rub off in my social life. But it hasn’t. Most of this can be attributed to the fact that I keep myself isolated. Except for Nino, Brooklyn Mike, and sometimes Sha, I don’t really speak to anyone. And when I have a problem, I don’t look to them. I vent to them, make a couple of dick jokes, and that’s about it. Whenever I need the solution to a problem, I look to this blog. In other words, I look to me. A perfect example of that is my last post, where I tried to find a solution to my issues with familial duty. Maybe if I were a more social person… maybe if I personally knew those who had similar problems, I would be able to find a solution with ease.
If I’m serious about becoming a better all-around business person, I’ll eventually have to break out of this protective shell I’ve created. Just writing those words felt strange, so I know putting those words into action will be extraordinarily difficult. I truly despise people, in a real Holden Caulfield way. It’s kinda like… I have this idea of the way people are and… and I’m proven right almost every time. So where can I go from there? I remember one of my closest friends in high school was Nena. She was always good at giving advice (in my experience, lesbians seem to give great advice, yet have really shitty relationships), and I came to her at a time when I was feeling a mass disconnect from society. (I had also been rejected for a date by a crush of mine… Latisha Mays). I remember almost the exact conversation, but I’ll just write the general idea of the conversation as I remember it:
Nena: Like what? You mean like suicide hate or serial killer hate?
Me: I dunno. People are assholes. I just wanna get away from every one.
Nena: Yeah, I hear ya. (after walking in silence around Brooklyn College for a while) Do you think I’m an asshole?
Me: Hell no! You’re the shit.
Nena: There you go! So you can’t say everyone’s an asshole. You just have to… you know, talk to more people. (She sees the look of disgust on my face at the suggestion of her idea and smiles.) You never knoooooow! (< she sang this. I’m writing that because it brings a smile to my face to remember her little quirks)
Me: But I don’t know if it’s worth it. Is it?
Nena: I dunno. You tell me. Was it worth it?
Me: For you? Yeah, but how many Nenas do you really think I’m gonna meet?!
Nena: Yeah I know. I’m pretty awesome!
The main thing I remember about this conversation on that Spring afternoon was that question that I still haven’t answered: Is it really worth it? I don’t know, but I can’t move forward with my “social assimilation” quest until I answer this question. I guess we’ll see what happens.
P.S.: I was joking in my head that the only people that I seem to have things in common with are mostly in jail, so maybe I should see if they do prison pen pals. For some reason now, I'm not thinking of that as a bad idea...
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