I can’t see myself writing a stranger post than the one I’m about to write but, with a lifetime of tenants and properties waiting in the future, I’m pretty sure another one will come up. Right now I’m playing hookie from the bank job because my boss Sandra is out for the week. I’ve been watching the Simpsons and getting my head straight so that I can write this post. If I don’t write it and all of these thoughts out before 3:30, I won’t be in the right state of mind to go into the shipping depot job today. So let’s get this over with. It all started yesterday afternoon.
I had paid my HVAC guy Gonzalez the money for the thermostat/furnace issue at property Beta, which came out to $160. About a half hour after I paid him, the African tenants of property Chi called and said that both furnaces weren’t working. So I went over there, hoping it was a simple pilot light issue, but both furnaces really weren’t working. Fuck! So I had to call Gonzalez again to take a look at the furnaces. At around 6pm Gonzalez called to say that everything is working now. The thermal coupler of the first furnace was out of place so it wasn’t getting hot enough to signal the furnace to turn on. The second furnace was a different story. Gonzalez said that someone deliberately tampered with the thermostat, removing one of the wires. He said that one of the tenants blamed the kids, but in order to get to the wires one would need a very fine screwdriver and the thermostat itself is too high for any kid to tamper with. Gonzalez said that he has seen it before, where a tenant would deliberately break shit for whatever reason, and that he would bet his entire 25 years of service that it was sabotage. But wait, it gets much much better.
This morning I went to the bank job and talked to my Nigerian co-worker Ola about the situation. Anything that has to do with Africans I usually bring up with Ola. When I mentioned that the tenants were from Senegal, he asked if one of them was named “Sonny”. When I said yes, he got all angry and excited saying, “That’s the mother fucker that I’ve been trying to beat up!” Apparently, Sonny is the ex-boyfriend of Ola’s girlfriend. A while back, Ola told me that her ex-boyfriend came to the door and was threatening to kick the door down. Once he saw Ola, he walked away (Ola’s a pretty big dude). Then Ola said that his girlfriend broke up with Sonny because he practices voodoo, even going so far as to practice voodoo on the girlfriend without her knowing and admitting it after they broke up. Ola told me that Sonny’s an evil person and is probably the one behind the sabotage.
Voodoo. Really? This is what my life has come down to? Sabotage and voodoo? How wonderful. I started to think back on all the things that have gone wrong since the Africans took over both apartments. Both refrigerators failing to work the DAY AFTER Umar and Hanna moved into the upstairs unit? The furnace blower that went bad a few weeks ago? The garage door? The roaches that forced the Homos to move out? Could it all have been sabotage? And now I have to deal with voodoo?? Hmm, maybe the devil really does read this blog.
I don’t really care about the voodoo. There are hundreds of spiritual shamans and questionable practices that people do all over the world. As long as the person’s a good tenant and follows my simple rules of paying rent on time, keeping the place clean, and not causing trouble in both the neighborhood and the building itself, they could sacrifice three-legged goats to Tupac and I wouldn’t give a damn. To me, every religion is just as strange. No, what bothers me is the sabotage. There’s no explaining it. I trust Gonzalez’s word over a tenant any day, as he’s been my HVAC guy ever since I came to Smalltown. He knows that I work two jobs so he always gives me decent prices for his work, even offering deals whenever he can. I trust his experience over the Africans’ word any day of the week.
I called Umar (husband of Hanna) and told them I want to meet with both floors on Sunday at 11am. It will be just before I have to go to work, and I want to make sure that everyone will be there. He agreed and seemed nervous when I set the meeting. He started texting me, asking if everything was okay. I texted back with one word: no. At the meeting, I’ll let them know that if a handyman ever comes fixes a problem and says that it was sabotage, I’m throwing everyone out. Both floors will be empty and I can rent out property Chi in the winter. The best time to rent property Chi is in the winter when it’s too cold for the riff-raff in the neighborhood to come out and the bar across the street will be dead. The neighborhood will be nice enough to rent out apartments and I won’t have to deal with this shit anymore. My love affair with the immigrants (the African immigrants anyway) is officially over.
The repairs of property Chi has cost me more than $1000, all in the last two months. This is my first time ever dealing with a saboteur, so my Sunday speech has to be stern and angry, but at the same time professional and non-offensive. Gonzalez said that there are tons of reasons why a tenant will sabotage. Maybe the tenant wants an excuse to leave the apartment and make it the landlord’s fault. Maybe the tenant is just a crazy anarchist that likes to fuck things up for no reason. Maybe the tenant craves attention and needs to feel important. The good thing is that I don’t have to give a damn about the reason. I’m the landlord. I only have to look at facts, that’s that. There’s evidence of sabotage. I’ve spent more money on repairs on property Chi than at properties Alpha and Beta combined. Case closed. I’ll let the Africans play Inspector Gadget to find out who did what.
"I know one of you cock suckers is tampering with my stuff. If it happens again, I’m cleaning house of you voodoo-practicing, appliance-sabotaging, roach infested mother fuckers." That’s what I have to say in my Sunday speech, but I’ll find a way to filter out the expletives. I’m not going to let a moron or two with nothing to do destroy my profits, especially with property Charlie on the way.
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