Hmm… how do I write this? Yesterday was… yesterday was… ugh. Yesterday was awful and I'm really beginning to understand the term "nothing in life is easy". Reading this blog over and over again, I should have realized that something will go wrong in a situation I've been waiting for. Never fails.
4 minutes after I wrote my last post yesterday (9:04am) I get a call from Petey Tim from Empower. He says that they are having trouble getting employment verification from my bank job security company and the closing might not happen. He said I needed to contact my job’s human resources department and give the okay to release my information to Empower’s third party job verifier. I thought “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WAIT LESS THAN TWO HOURS BEFORE CLOSING TO LET ME KNOW THIS SHIT??” I said that in a nice way to Petey Tim, and he said that the mortgage department always re-checks the employment of the prospective buyer a day before closing, just to make sure he/she didn’t get fired (which would reduce the chances of them paying back the mortgage loan). So I called Human Resources and gave the OK. That was all I could do. I walked off my frustration and it was time for the closing.
I went to my lawyer Marvin Wassle’s conference room (which just happens to be in the same bank job) and Ronny Mud and his lawyer were already there. My idiot real estate agent Prius and the listing agent Condi came late as usual, and then the closing began. Ronny Mud, Prius, and Condi were joking around and laughing, making difficult for Ronny’s own lawyer to talk on the phone. Marvin was handling it professionally and I decided to follow suit. We had to talk over the noise as Marvin explained each piece of paperwork I was signing. When Marvin gave me the paper that had the final mortgage amount to pay each month I was pissed off: $790.00! The fuck?! I soon realized that even though my interest rate is a low 3.875%, my loan term is only 15 years, not 30 years as I wanted it to be. The longer the term length is for, the cheaper the mortgage will be. I didn't qualify for any of Empower's 30 year investment mortgage programs so I had no choice. The second bit of bad news was that one of the tenants hasn’t paid the rent for the month yet, leaving me to have to chase her around for it. Ugh! After I signed all the documents I needed to sign, the closing was done. The job verification still hadn’t come through so we were stuck with all these signed documents but nothing else. Empower wasn’t going to release the money for the seller until they get job verification. So the seller didn’t get paid yet. Even though I signed all those documents, nothing can be recorded on file until Empower pays the seller. No sale has taken place yet. It was a closing without a closing.
(As I was about to leave, Marvin pulled me aside and said that Ronny Mud's attorney was a regular lawyer and a friend of Ronny's, not a real estate lawyer. The closing took longer than expected, a little over an hour, because Marvin had to fix all the mistakes their lawyer made in the paperwork. That's also why Ronny's lawyer was on the phone half the time, trying to get correct figures that he should've already had. What a bunch of morons.)
Prius called me a few minutes after closing to ask if everything was “okay”, being that the closing will have to wait until the job verification goes through. I had Nino on a three way call, just so he could hear how mentally challenged this woman is because he didn’t believe me. Again she’s wasting my free minutes talking to me like she’s my friend?! Just do… your… job. She even started complaining about her tenants. WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT YOUR TENANTS?!
I know I have shitty luck, but I definitely wasn’t expecting it to go like this. I’m pissed at my bank job’s human resources department for not picking up the phone to do a simple verification. I’m pissed at Ronny Mud for cracking jokes and bringing a lawyer who doesn’t practice real estate to a real estate closing. I’m pissed at Prius and Condi who couldn’t shut the fuck up, cackling at Ronny Mud’s jokes. I’m also pissed that I didn’t get to do my post-closing celebration because I had it set up perfectly. After I purchase a property, I wait until nightfall then drive up and down the boulevards of Smalltown listening to 3-5 songs over and over again for about an hour. Then, I was going to hook up with Mercedes. Mercedes texted me last month after 18 months of no communication and said “hey”. Whenever a former fuck buddy texts someone with “hey” after a year and a half, one can easily surmise that “hey” means “wanna screw our brains out?” So we were supposed to hook up last night but I cancelled it after the whole closing mess.
So, to summarize: a closing that wasn’t a closing, no singing, no driving and no sex. And to top it off, no sleep. The downstairs Indians had some relatives over that didn’t leave until 4am. They weren’t particularly loud or anything but, with the batcave directly underneath their apartment, I could hear every sound they make—especially when they were walking around. So hopefully today will be better, and it’s already off to a great start. The security wand is full and, with no Sandra to clear it, I don’t have to do any rounds today, working until 7pm over here. With any luck, the closing can finish today with the verification of employment. I don’t know if we have to do another closing or not and I don’t care. I just want this whole ordeal over with so I can start managing the tenants of property Charlie already.
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