Rana's 40th

I called my sister Rana for her birthday last week. She turned 40 and is still living in my dad’s house in a miserable situation. I will admit though, our conversation was about 25 minutes, the longest conversation she and I have ever had.

Our birthday greetings are standard issue. We talk twice a year: once on her birthday and once on mine. We ask what the other will do for their birthday and how they are doing. That’s it. Usually takes about 3 minutes. This time, after I wished her a happy birthday we talked about what she’s up to. Rana sounded absolutely miserable as she talked about still being unemployed and living with my dad Roy. She hates taking him to doctor’s appointments for his eyes or Roy asking where she’s going when she’s about to leave. She hates cleaning up the house when he asks and likes to stay in her room. She then talked about how she needs to get a job so she could get out of there and how she got a check from the IRS that she’ll put towards a security deposit for a new apartment. Then she said that she’s trying to start a business, one where she sells jewelry online. Rana wants to buy from a wholesaler (which is easy when you live in NYC) and then sell online at a retail price. After I also lamented about living in the basement of property Alpha, property repair costs, and paying for classes (LFS all the time!), we ended the conversation.

You know, I meant it when I said in an earlier post that I would like Rana to succeed . But, from what I can gather, I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I’ve never heard her sound more defeated than she did in that phone call. There was no sense of hope, even when she talked about owning her own jewelry business or moving out of Roy’s house. She didn’t seem to have any specific motivations. In fact, the only time she showed any emotion at all was when I talked about going back to teaching, to which she said that schools are crazy right now because (as a Christian) she’s against teaching kids about homosexuality. That’s it. Teaching homosexuality to children is what she’s passionate about. Not moving out. Not getting a job. Not starting her own business. Who cares about teaching homosexuality to kids when you don’t have kids of your own and you’re in an incredibly shitty situation?! That’s when I knew she’s still got a long way to go. And even if I want to, I couldn’t help her. No one can. If you’re 40 years old, living with your dad who pisses you off, unemployed and miserable, I can’t think of a better motivating factor to get up and start getting priorities in check.

If I were in her situation, I’d do whatever necessary to get what I want.  I’d work at McDonald’s, put on a security uniform, teach, deliver pizzas for Dominos, be the dishwasher for that fish restaurant on Avenue U in Brooklyn— all the things I actually had to do to get out of the house and fund my ambitions. And that, I believe, is one of her big downfalls. There’s opportunity all around her to make money but she’s picky about what she wants to do. I've been there. I remember the six months of depression and unemployment after I graduated college, when I realized the uselessness of my Liberal Arts degree. Rana has an accounting degree, a real estate license, and a masters in… something that has to do with music production. She has 3 times the amount of qualifications that I do! No one will ever convince me that someone with that kind of resume can’t get at least a manager position at a Home Depot or something. So Rana is doomed to continue this cycle of depression and misery until she can pull herself out of it and get her priorities in check.

I know it’s not easy to take that menial job, especially as one gets older. I’ve never put on a security uniform and felt good about it. I hate being a security animal and I’ll never feel good about it. Just yesterday I took a piss at the shipping depot. While I was washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror in my sad-ass security uniform. It was truly a sad sight and I really felt like crap for a little bit. But I’d rather hate my jobs and be on the way to retirement than hate myself and be on the road to nowhere. I’ll do whatever it takes to get me where I want to be, even if I have to swallow my pride and my ego has to take a couple hits. It’s the difference between good and bad pride, and one of the big lessons Rana has to learn if she’s gonna break out of this cycle.