Sociopath Wanna-Be

I'm working yet another 36 hour shift this weekend so a co-worker can go to Wrestlemania. I get almost a free day on Wednesday, so no complaints here.

I've been trying to come to terms with my ego and how it isolates me from everyone. It helps me greatly in terms of business, but I still feel a longing for connection that gets to me once in a while. I feel it and I want it gone.

I need to feel 100% comfortable with being alone. My fear, at first, was that I would isolate myself too much and become one of those crazy people with 40 cats. I found this to be more a stereotype for weak minded people and dismissed it. I'm currently at stage two: being comfortable with oneself. I've been doing very well with that, as this blog and self-observation has allowed me to examine myself and be comfortable with both my strengths and my weaknesses. I would be done with this stage, except I'm having some trouble learning from my mistakes and conquering, or at least masking my weaknesses well enough. This stage also requires me to control and even eliminate any desire to make myself known. This blog would be a stumbling block, but this blog is more for me and not really for anyone else.

The third stage is eliminating the desire for emotional connection or second and third party approval. I have yet to reach this stage, but I've been researching exactly how to get this done. I can still have physical relations like sex or playing sports because, after completing stage two, physical action can't lead to the kind of emotional action that I'm trying to get rid of. But how do I take away the desire to meet someone that "gets me"? How does one eliminate the desire to share life experience and love with another? How do I do and say things without caring about what peers, friend(s), and strangers think? And how in the world can I do this while pretending to be normal so that I don't arouse suspicion which would lead to making myself known? How can I do these things and still be aware of right and wrong? I know it's possible, as sociopaths are able to resist human nature extremely well.

It's a fine line to walk and it may sound ridiculous, to actually WANT to be the best sociopath I can be. But it seems to be the only way I can see to further myself comfortably, without being sidetracked with the usual pitfalls of life that have brought down so many others before me that have tried to "make it". I can think of no other way.