Pest Control: Kill Em or Leave Em

You know, it’s bad enough that today will be over 100 degrees here in Smalltown. It’s bad enough that I’ll be doing security pat-downs on some very sweaty and dirty package handlers at the shipping depot tonight. What I can’t stand is that the hot weather brings out the pests, both human and animal.

On Saturday I woke up late so I was rushing to work. I’ve never been late to that job and I’d like to keep that streak going until I retire. Anyway, I had to stop off to pump gas and there was a crackhead going around asking people for money or something. She was extremely dirty and barely looked human—one could clearly tell that she was either on or coming off a massive high. Anyway, I was really hoping that she would just leave me alone but then I heard the words “Excuse me, sir?!” Fuck! She asked me for money or something I can’t remember what exactly, and I calmly said no. Then she started going crazy, screaming at me and asking why no one will help her. I was completely under control and was about to leave when she grabbed my hand for some reason. I have a very bad reflex when people grab me, especially those that are doing so in a threatening manner or might have something I could catch. I… well, one could imagine what I did next.

After I was done with her, the gas station manager let me wash my hands in the store. When I came out a few people were helping her up, and she started cursing at me as I drove away. If it wasn’t for watching the Biggest Loser and one of my favorite movies, Do The Right Thing, at the shipping depot that day, I would have been in a foul mood. On Sunday night I was driving home from the shipping depot. Driving home sucks because I have to go through the bad parts of the neighborhood to get to my nice little street. There were TONS of people that were just outside doing absolutely nothing. It was past midnight and there were kids playing around, 30 somethings and 40 somethings just hanging around drinking, girls with their sexy outfits and the matching baby carriage that went with it. This is old news, I know, but it really got on my nerves that night.

Monday night is usually my time to get a lot of sleep, catching up on the sleep I miss between the shipping depot’s 12 hour shift and the bank job’s 8 hour shift. I was woken up by a very annoying chirping sound in the basement. It wasn’t a cricket but rather a bat. I can’t stand bats. I’ve lived in property Alpha’s basement for 5 years now, and I’ve had to deal with maybe 3 bats total. The last one was in March of this year and I killed the little bastard, put him in a shopping bag and threw him in the backyard for the neighborhood cat to feast on. But last night I was too tired to even get up and see where the bat was. So I lay there playing the PSP and watching the Simpsons hoping to get tired and pass out, but nothing happened. After a while the chirping stopped, but it had kept me up from 1:27am all the way until 4:40am. Needless to say I am very tired today. Bats are only active very late at night and they’re actually more afraid of humans than we are of them. Maybe if they had jobs and paid rent I wouldn’t care, but all they do is fly around and make noise at the exact time that I need to get sleep.

I think my environment is starting to get to me. If it wasn’t for women, summers would be completely pointless. As cold as winters may be, they keep people inside their houses and are therefore less likely to bother me. I think when I buy property Charlie, I’m gonna finish either the attic or the basement and move there. That neighborhood is so nice and peaceful. Being in this environment really brings me down: the crackheads, the bums, the drug dealers, the baby mommas, the 10-year-olds smoking weed with their parents, the sewer backups, and the crawling and flying tenants in my basement. Something needs to change. The summer brings out the pests here in Smalltown and that will never change. I need a change of scenery if I want to feel better about doing business in this place, and moving into property Charlie seems to be the best (and least violent) resolution. I gotta get out of this environment before it takes me down with it.