It was awful. It was like a punch in the face and I went down for the count. Friday’s bombshell call from Kirsten telling me that my credit score to qualify for a mortgage was off by THREE POINTS (637) sent me into a talespin. To understand and create the same feeling, I’ll describe it in a way that I can understand:
--On Tuesday I had to work 8 hours at the bank job, then 8 hours at the shipping depot where it was 0 degrees for most of the night and the heaters stopped working in the guardshack. I could barely sleep when I got home because the temperature was -2 degrees which equals about 20 degrees in the batcave. So I went to work having to do hourly rounds in that nasty bank job garage in sub zero degree temperature. On Friday, I had to work at the bank job, and then work at the shipping depot with the knowledge that I didn’t qualify for the mortgage that I desperately needed to stay on track to retire by the end of 2014. Yesterday I worked at the shipping depot from noon to midnight, and now I’m writing this post at the bank job, where I work from midnight to noon because a co-worker called off. Then I go back to the shipping depot to work noon to midnight, come home and sleep five hours before I have to go back to the bank job.
All of that work. For the last two and a half years I’ve worked 7 days a week, and because of three points it all means nothing?? Smalltown is getting its act together and new businesses are coming in. Everything seems to be moving forward except me. In 2011 I said that I want to retire in 2013. Last year I said that I want to retire by the end of 2014. Now it’s 2013 and I have to push my retirement date to the end of 2015? When does it end?! I’m stuck in fucking neutral, and I still live under my tenants in a batcave!!-- Yeah, this is about how I felt. But then something happened.
About two hours after I got the devastating news and mulled over these thoughts of failure, I was over it. Just like that. At some point, I have to remember what kind of person I am and stop falling into the habit of getting mad when something doesn’t go my way. Those are artificial feelings that I learned from the people around me and TV. When shit gets bad, I’m supposed to be depressed and rant and rave. It's something that I do habitually because it's a learned behavior that I'm so used to. But that’s not the real me. When things don’t go my way, Roger Dodger shrugs his shoulders and looks for another way. That’s it. What kind of sociopath gets mad when he’s got no real feelings?
There’s still a chance the owner will agree to my proposal of buying PPC #3 with 30k and then pay him $2000 per month until it’s completely paid off. And, if he says no, then I keep my money and continue to build my credit in preparation for the next opportunity. If I don’t buy a property by the end of the year, I should have 50k in my account. With a better credit score and that much money, I can do a lot at the end of the year. I’m almost hoping he says no because I’ve never had that much money in my account! When things fall apart, I can’t go into some artificial craze and start moping around and getting angry for days, or even hours. It’s a waste of time. The ones that self destruct when something goes wrong are the ones that fail. I don’t self destruct. And because I don’t self destruct, I can’t fail. The only way I can fail is when I forget who I am, and hopefully this post will make sure that doesn’t happen again.
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