The Asshole Barrier

In a post I did last month called Above The Fray: The Hellraiser Theory, I talked about my issues with a co-worker at the shipping depot, Annabel. She’s one of the worst gossipers I’ve ever seen and she likes to create drama. I was struggling with how to handle things and I had a kind of breakthrough, and it had nothing to do with the social blog.

In the middle of January things were getting too tense to bear and I felt trapped. One the one hand I couldn’t say anything because it would mean that I’m not above such stupidity. Saying something to her about it would also jeopardize my job, as I rarely react to such behavior in a kind manner. On the other hand, keeping my distaste for her actions to myself was absolutely killing me. So I decided to call an expert on the subject—Brooklyn Mike. Brooklyn Mike has been my best friend for just over two decades now and there is no one better at ignoring people than him. He can work in the most hostile environments and somehow be able to block out the negativity, and I wanted to know how he does it. Mike said that all I had to do was to be patient and wait for my mind to develop a tolerance for Annabel. He called it the “Asshole Barrier”.

We used to joke about asshole barriers in high school due to our anti-social nature. There were asshole barriers, asshole repellant, asshole medicine, and any other asshole related products that would help us deal with the idiots we had to go to school with. I thought it was just a joke but he told me that it works for him and that I should give it a chance. So I went to work that Friday and I felt the difference almost immediately. Annabel, and everyone at the shipping depot for that matter, began to feel less and less important to me. In fact, it has become easier and easier to work there on the weekdays each time. It’s like I’m in my own little world when I’m working there and it feels awesome. Annabel walks in and says “HI ROGER!” in such a fake way and it no longer makes me angry. It doesn’t really bother me anymore, even when she starts talking to me out of the blue or gossips about me behind my back. I just find it either funny or sad then go back to my neat little world.

When I was younger I identified with Holden Caulfield, the protagonist to “The Catcher in the Rye”. It was one of my favorite books, but I especially identified with his hatred of phonies. But rather than get mad or get angry at them, someone in my position who wants to achieve greater things can only study a phony. I’m watching how she acts and trying to see patterns that I can identify that can help me in business, like when I have to rent out to tenants or hire someone to do a job. With the Asshole Barrier, I’m able to achieve my goal of truly being mentally impervious to the idiocy of the lower class and gather information on what to look for that would help me identify her same poisonous traits in others.

Through this apparent “inaction”, I also achieve the goal of not escalating the situation by calling her out on it. That would only bring negative results that would jeopardize my job, plus I wouldn’t be able to observe her in her natural state of stupidity. 51-year-olds that act like children cannot change and, even if they could, it really wouldn’t be worth my time. The only thing that is important at any job is the paycheck. Everything else should mean absolutely nothing, and Brooklyn Mike’s Asshole Barrier is helping me see that.

(It also helps to prank call her with different numbers every once in a while using SpoofApp, just to see her reaction. She feels like more an experiment than an actual person that way.)