The major thing to do today is get my tax documents ready to show the mortgage guy tomorrow. It seems like something simple but, when I get home, the only thing I want to do is sleep or watch old TV shows on the computer. I must fight the lazy bug today.
Though my ill-fated Match.com tryst is no more, I still feel a need to connect with people. Maybe not to the degree of being a girlfriend or a best friend, but I need something.
I had a best friend of over 18 years, Mike, and his sister Monet. They were great and I cared about them to a high extreme. I had a HUGE crush on Monet in high school but didn't do anything about it. As we got older, the crush went away, but the fondness was still there. When I came here to Smalltown, they said they were going to "keep me grounded" since they knew I was doing this on my own. For one reason or another, I found myself talking to them more than they were talking to me. They didn't really call unless I had called them, not so much for Monet because we were never "talk" buddies but rather text friends and I knew her more as Mike's sister than Monet. But Mike and I grew up together.
In November I got into some very bad trouble and needed their help. I didn't need anything physical from them. I just needed to talk to either of them just to let out the frustration of what was going on. Mike said he was "studying for his midterm" and couldn't talk but he'd call me back. He called me back-- two weeks later! By that time it was too late as I was "unavailable". I texted Monet and she texted me back almost a month later.
I started to re-evaluate my friendship with the both of them. I concluded that I was willing to do more for them than they were for me. I won't go into detail of what I did for them as opposed to what they've done for me, because that's irrelevant. To say it in a cliched but more understandable way: "I didn't feel the love." I hate to feel as if I'm giving more in a friendship than I'm getting back. At first I though it was my ego again, but it wasn't. This wasn't a matter of who's better than who. I don't ask for much. Just "be there", that's all. There's a saying that goes, "It's not about what you say but what you do." Saying that we're best friends means nothing without action. So I decided to cut them loose after 18 years. I'm not sure if I'll speak to them again, maybe to explain why we stopped talking if they didn't know. I feel after 18 years, an explanation is deserved.
So I've had Sha since I've been here and he's been awesome. It's extremely beneficial to have a best friend that is in the business and gives as much to the friendship as me, sometimes even more so. I realize that I'm not normal and I have issues (stubborn, not too smart, anti-social), but I'm loyal to death when it comes to a friend. No one can say different, even my enemies. Having Sha has been great but something has to fill the huge void left by Mike and Monet. I don't know whether I'll be friends with them again, but some things will definitely need to change.
In the meanwhile, I have been looking online for replacements. I started by looking and seeing if there are any other bloggers that I can see something familiar in and follow their blog. I tried one but she reminded me of an ex and I had a headache after reading her stuff. I'll keep the search going.
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